Boots

Flicktone, on Flickr”>Brown Boots-2

I scroll endlessly between the two options: dark green or dark grey? Which pair of boots will be better? (I really wanted patent black, but they didn’t have it). Grey will do. Grey will be good. It will be better than patent black, really. It will be more wearable.

 

Do I really need these boots?

 

****

 

Most days I am actually okay about being ill; I kind of accept it and get on with life. It doesn’t feature much in my thinking.

 

Today is not one of those days.

 

It always seems to happen after the good times, the best times. We have just been on a trip away from home, for two nights in a hotel. It was a humongous room with a balcony overlooking the sea. After a month of not being outside at all, I could see the horizon again. I had a massage which was indulgent and relaxing. I watched the people come and go as I sat waiting for my massage and thought to myself that I looked normal, that these people couldn’t tell from looking at me that I spent most of my days in bed. I ate creme brûlée. I saw penguins and seals. I laughed at my boy, and spent quality talking time with my husband.

 

And now I should be grateful, but I feel profoundly disheartened.

 

Most of the time you survive this illness by telling yourself it’s okay, this is normal, really, and there are worse things, and you could be worse off, and I could be bedbound, or not have my husband and baby – and wouldn’t I rather have those things than be perfectly healthy? And of course, I would.

 

But then there are the times when it just strikes you again: this is not normal, this is not okay. It is not okay that I have to measure out my activities in teaspoons, that I have to miss friends’ weddings, that I cannot play games and run with my boy, that I cannot go to church, that I can no longer sing, that I am not doing ministry, that I am just never, never getting better.

 

I am home now, and already my body is aching with the strain of the fun of Christmas and the time away. My heart is clunky and erratic, my muscles painful and knotted. And I am tired – so tired. This is the ‘payback’ of pushing things, even a little.

 

I am bored of being ill. I am weary of it. Today this does not feel okay.

 

*****

 

I cannot cook for myself, but I can still buy boots. I can wear boots, and when I leave the house I will have new boots.

 

And then I consider, is it even worth buying them?

 

My rule of thumb, post-2010 relapse, has been to do a maximum of one thing a day, and aim to leave the house for an hour or so once a week. But major relapses since then have shown that even this is too much. I need to rest more. My rations are probably more like one thing every other day, leaving the house once a fortnight.

 

So that means this year I will leave the house maybe 26 times, and most likely only wear those boots approximately 15 times this year. It is foolish, ridiculous even, to buy a pair of new leather boots, simply because I love shoes. They will get so little wear. It is an extravagance. I should not buy them.

 

*****

 

I have to be frugal, like this, with pretty much every area of my life when it comes to time and energy expenditure. Going over-budget on fun things for a day can cost weeks and months in a relapse; it’s not worth it. Have I gone out for a meal last week? Then for the next two weeks I need to talk to friends twice a week rather than four times a week.

 

I go back to the website and select ‘dark grey’ and click ‘buy now’.

 

Sometimes all you can do is buy the ridiculous boots anyway.

 

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73 Responses to Boots

  1. Lynn 11th January, 2013 at 10:24 am #

    All I can say is that I agree with all of the above. I don’t have ME but in the midst of my busy, rushing around day this made me stop and think. What if all that I took for granted was taken away from me? I pray for blessings for you Tanya as your blog is so honest and spiritual…even this talk about boots has so much depth to it.

    • Tanya 14th January, 2013 at 6:18 pm #

      Thanks so much for your lovely words. I worried that this post was very unspiritual! I guess truth-telling goes a long way, eh?

  2. Kirsten 11th January, 2013 at 1:33 am #

    So glad you bought the boots! Because it was never just the boots (as everyone in this situation knows)…it was the symbolism – the power of the dream, the need to hope, the enjoyment of ‘normal’ pleasures. And all of those things are medicine for the soul. We spend so much of our energy looking after our bodies and it can be hard to rationalise the pandering to our heart’s desires. Especially when we live on such a different level and something like this can seem ‘shallow’. But it’s so so essential to treat ourselves kindly and to indulge (within reason).

    Enjoy those dark grey boots!

    • Tanya 14th January, 2013 at 6:19 pm #

      YES!! You understand it completely and you have articulated it so well. Thank you!

  3. Ann @ restoringmysoul 10th January, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

    Well said and beautifully written. Heart breaking. I can relate to every word.

    • Tanya 14th January, 2013 at 6:20 pm #

      Thanks, Ann – I appreciate the solidarity :-)

  4. Anita @ Dreaming Beneath the Spires 10th January, 2013 at 9:14 am #

    Penguins? seals? Where? Sounds lovely.

    • Tanya 14th January, 2013 at 6:21 pm #

      Torquay- and it really was!

  5. Karen 10th January, 2013 at 8:49 am #

    I’m so very sorry to hear that. And yes, January is a tough month, but your issues are also real. BUT what beautiful writing – it resonates with many, and how many have responded – you are rich in online friends. And I’m delighted you got your boots.
    I think it helpful to have people who can remind you to cling onto the fact that you have purpose, and usefulness – no matter how prostrated. Rest – yes! But know that your life is most beneficial to others.

    • Tanya 14th January, 2013 at 6:22 pm #

      Thank you, dear Karen. Xx

  6. Janice 10th January, 2013 at 2:07 am #

    Oh, and one more thing, I JUST got my first pair of tall boots for Christmas and I’m giddy about them. Now, of course, all my jeans are completely wrong and I end up looking like I have balloon pants on over these adorable boots. Still working out the kinks. But now every time I think of wearing mine I’m going to think of you and hope you’re wearing yours, even if they are around the house. (That’s most likely where I’ll be wearing mine…)

    • Tanya 14th January, 2013 at 6:22 pm #

      EXCITING!!
      And Jeggings – they’re the way forward!
      Send me a photo!

  7. Mandy 9th January, 2013 at 11:50 pm #

    This post made me cry, why is there always payback after lovely family times? I understand the frustration at this illness that seems to constantly change the goal posts and admire your honesty… all too often I silently scream! I know it’s tough when there is so much you’re unable to do, but don’t underestimate the value of what you can do. Your writing is so beautiful.
    Praying you are able to to wear your new boots very soon.

    • Tanya 14th January, 2013 at 6:24 pm #

      It’s comments like these that make me SO glad I wrote this post. Thank you.

  8. Janice 9th January, 2013 at 10:16 pm #

    I know if God had designed it differently we’d all turn into selfish ego-maniacs, but sometimes I feel frustrated at how often our own ministering to others doesn’t really minister to ourselves the same way. I echo what every commenter has said about how much your writing means to me. But I also know that being on the writing end probably feels different. I know it makes you glad that you help so many people, but I also know it doesn’t bring health and strength and all the things you’d really like. I know if our good-will could heal you you’d have been healed a thousand times over. But thank you so much for your words even – especially – on days when you don’t feel good. Thank you for the reality of you that you share with us and make each of us feel more comfortable with the reality of ourselves.

    It is SOOO nice to hear your voice again. (Even if I have to make up what you sound like in my head – don’t worry, I’ve given you the cool British accent I know you have…)

    • Tanya 14th January, 2013 at 6:26 pm #

      As always, Janice, thank you. Your words are such a gift to me. Xx
      P.s. and I DO have a cool British accent! Semi normal, semi-posh. Posher when I’m more nervous.
      P.p.s. do you have the word ‘posh’ in the US??

      • Janice 14th January, 2013 at 10:14 pm #

        We have it enough to know that it’s cool and British! I’m so sad you are so far away. I’m just dying to have coffee with you some day. In our boots. Oh, forgot you’re a Brit – we can have tea too. :) And crumpets.

        • Tanya 15th January, 2013 at 12:51 am #

          I speak like a Brit but eat like an American. Coffee and muffins all the way, my friend…

          • Janice 15th January, 2013 at 5:26 am #

            Then it’s a date!

            • Tanya 17th January, 2013 at 2:23 pm #

              Awesome!

      • Mark Allman 16th January, 2013 at 2:29 am #

        I think you should do a vlog Tanya so we all can hear that cool British accent!! I am sure I am like a lot of Americans who love the accent.

        • Tanya 17th January, 2013 at 2:23 pm #

          I am notoriously unphotogenic! Didn’t even have my wedding videoed! But will definitely think about it. :-)

  9. Diana Trautwein 9th January, 2013 at 10:01 pm #

    SO GLAD YOU BOUGHT THOSE BOOTS, TANYA. Sometimes retail therapy is very, very real. Praying for you today – that you will see glimmers of encouragement, settle back into whatever routine of acceptance and routine works for you in 2013. This is tough slogging, there are no two ways about it. And this writing right here? Glorious stuff. Keep that piece of life – this writing life – going whenever you can manage it, okay?

    • Tanya 14th January, 2013 at 6:27 pm #

      Your encouragement means so much, Diana. This comment made me feel so nourished. Thank you.

  10. Mark Allman 9th January, 2013 at 9:26 pm #

    Tanya,
    I believe strongly that you are doing ministry; every time you write a post; every time you tweet a comment; when you reach out to someone; when you share your heartache and your struggles you minister to us all. When you pray you are moving heaven for others. Thank you for doing so. Thank you for sharing the darkness. I will pray daily for you and hope that there will be more up time for you. I am as everyone has stated glad you bought the boots. I am sure anyone of us would have bought them for you.
    Your writing so resonates Tanya. Your struggles and your triumphs so well versed by you.
    May God bless you richly in all ways this year.

    • Tanya 14th January, 2013 at 6:29 pm #

      Thank you so much, Mark. It is good for me to remember this is ministry, that God is in it all. Thank you for your prayers.

  11. Alison Whale 9th January, 2013 at 8:08 pm #

    So glad you bought the boots. Wear them indoors. I am constantly overdressed for lying around doing nothing but it makes me feel so much better. It’s one nice thing I can enjoy. It always feels harder after the good times – having had a taste, however small – of ‘normal’ life highlights just how abnormal life is most of the time and reminds me of all the things I long to do but can’t.

    I was also feeling frustrated recently that when I am this ill I can not use the gifts God has given me – as a therapist, teacher, speaker etc – but felt really challenged by Him that there are many others who can be a good therapist, teacher, speaker, but no others who can walk this path and this journey that I am on – be fully me – in a way that glorifies Him in the midst of pain and suffering and despite not being able to use those gifts and do the things I long to do. The same is true for you. You write beautifully and movingly. Thank you.

    • Tanya 14th January, 2013 at 6:31 pm #

      I really love your perspective on this. And thank you for stopping by and sharing some of where you’re at.
      The last I had heard you were better (Better-better or just better than you were??) I am sorry to hear that it’s still tough for you. This is a long old journey, isn’t it? Thank you for traveling it well.

      • Alison Whale 14th January, 2013 at 7:10 pm #

        I don’t feel as if I travel it at all well. Lots of ranting and raging and crying! Have had 6 years of being a lot better than I used to be but far off well. Still on benefit but until October had been doing 3-6 hour’s work most weeks (what ESA calls ‘permitted work’) as a therapist at Eating Disorder centre in Stockport where I’d done a placement. It meant doing little else really, but I loved it and was making slow progress – managing church most weeks, driving a bit and occasionally managing another outing in the week. But everything went very pear-shaped in October and I’ve been in bed / on sofa since. Even more scary after being a lot better for several years – the fear of going back there and losing all the stuff I’ve fought so hard to do, just when life seemed to be moving in the right direction. I sold my wheelchair 6 months’ ago having not used it for over 6 years and convinced I never would again, and could have really done with it since October. Starting to come up a bit now but keep catching stuff off people. Maybe I should become a hermit! (No!)

        • Tanya 14th January, 2013 at 7:45 pm #

          Oh, gutting, gutting…
          I’m really disappointed for you. I’m totally with you with that fear and despair.

          I will pray that this one is a temporary blip, and that you get to a place again where you can stand (literally and figuratively…)
          Much love to a fellow traveller xx

  12. Joyce 9th January, 2013 at 6:29 pm #

    Bless you, Tanya, what a beautiful post. The honest truth of living with M.E. day in day out really strikes a chord. I think at the turning of the New Year, taking stock of the actualities along with the longed-for old possibilities is such a challenging part of the journey.

    These boots are made for walking – and that’s just what they’ll do… They may not be destined to be “seven-league” boots in earthly miles, but as you stride bravely into your dreams for you and your lovely family, sharing through your wonderful words with all of us, every step you take brings glory to God, and thankfulness for His gracious footsteps.

    • Tanya 10th January, 2013 at 1:33 pm #

      You’re so right – it’s something about these times of year that are harder, the looking back and forward.
      Thank you for your lovely words of blessing.

  13. James Cooper 9th January, 2013 at 6:18 pm #

    Yet again Tanya, you so brilliantly and eloquently express how so many of us are feeling. I had a really lousy week last week (post Christmas ‘tk’) and I ate something seemingly innocuous that mucked all my system up for a week…

    With my xmas money I bought a ‘stick on’ pickup for my uke – so I can plug it into the PA system at church when I play. (I actually got my ‘good uke’ instead of a holiday a couple of years ago…) Some would see it as an extravagance as I don’t play often – but I’m glad I got it.

    So you keep buying the boots ;)

    ps, my granddad (who rather liked a joke) once went into his local hardware store (where he was very well known) and asked for some ‘light black’ paint! (funnily enough the person behind the counter couldn’t find any!!!)

    • Tanya 10th January, 2013 at 1:32 pm #

      Sorry to hear you had a lousy week post Christmas (yet simultaneously gratified that so many others had a v lousy post-Christmas ‘TK’ exhaustion). December is a really bad time to do Christmas, isn’t it??

      Thanks for being Team Boots. :-)

  14. tallandrew 9th January, 2013 at 6:16 pm #

    I presume Jon knows you bought the boots? Or is this your way of telling him? ;)
    Sounds like a great hotel, I presume in Torquay.
    Still praying for you.

    • Tanya 10th January, 2013 at 1:30 pm #

      This is definitely my way of justifying the purchase…
      Thanks for the prayers :-)

  15. HopefulLeigh 9th January, 2013 at 5:12 pm #

    They’re “just boots” and yet they’re not. Sometimes it’s those little things that we can control that mean the most. I dare say whenever you wear them, it’ll call to mind that sense of control you felt when you bought them and it’ll remind you of the things you can still do, even if it’s on a more limited basis. Thank you for continuing to write these things out, Tanya. I like this window into your soul.

    • Tanya 10th January, 2013 at 1:29 pm #

      Leigh – this comment means so much to me. I was so struggling with the thought that I am just being self-indulgent with the boots, and you tapped into what it means. That is it, exactly. Thank you for understanding. You have telepathy voodoo (in a good way!) :-)

  16. Shell 9th January, 2013 at 4:55 pm #

    I am in that place. I am “recovering” from fun time with my family this Christmas. I am working out if I will manage the things that I need to do.
    The concept of being frugal is a great description of how it feels to be ill with ME. The constant weighing of how much will doing X cost me, how many days will I lose if I go to this wedding.
    I hate all that this illness has stolen from me.
    And yes if I go out to have a hair cut or something I like pretending I am as well as I sometimes look and chatting with the hairdresser about my life, conveniently missing out all the things I miss out on.

    Is there a way to be content with this illness? Is that even what I should be striving for? Am I allowed to be outrageously angry about all the things I will never get to do, all the things I am not allowed to dream of doing.

    • Tanya 10th January, 2013 at 1:27 pm #

      I hereby give you permission to be angry. This world is not as it should be, nor as it will be.

      I’m so glad this connected with you – thanks so much for this comment. X

  17. Jess B 9th January, 2013 at 4:53 pm #

    Oh Tanya your post made me cry! I can relate so much to the frustrations of this awful illness, especially suffering a post Christmas relapse. “I am bored of being ill. I am weary of it. Today this does not feel okay.” This is me today. But I know God uses our pain and our frustration. I see how much he uses you through your blog. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, you’re in my prayers. I’m so glad you bought the boots!

    • Tanya 10th January, 2013 at 1:26 pm #

      I so nearly didn’t press publish on this post – and comments like this one make me so glad I did. Thank you, sweet Jess. Praying for you. X

  18. Jo Inglis (@Piano_Jo) 9th January, 2013 at 4:37 pm #

    Lady you ARE doing ministry right where you are on the blog & in twittersphere. Both places would be poorer without you. Thank you for honestly sharing your heavy heart and showing us how we can try to ‘put ourselves in your boots’ and walk with you.

    • Tanya 10th January, 2013 at 1:25 pm #

      Thank you so much for your lovely words of encouragement. I really value them. Thanks for cheering me on.

  19. Joy Lenton 9th January, 2013 at 4:08 pm #

    Dear sweet Tanya, this moved me tremendously. I share the joy of your decision to purchase the boots! As a fellow M.E sufferer these are issues we face on a daily basis. To do or not to do? Do we decide on the basis of how we are currently situated or with hope for the future? I love shoes/boots too and delight in buying them – usually from catalogues. Yet they languish in their boxes (or under a chair truth be told) most of the year and seldom get an outing. But my heart leaps at the thought of the one day when I may be enabled go out again and walk ‘properly’ in them. So it is an act of faith we exercise. A defiant fist shake at this weakening and limiting of our bodies and lives. And we live with the ‘tomorrow thoughts’ to encourage us to get through today.
    Can’t wait for the knees-up in heaven when we sing, dance, laugh, run and jump for joy. No stopping us then! Meanwhile, my friend, keep on living faithfully and graciously for Him and blessing all of us with your words as you are doing here :)

    • Tanya 10th January, 2013 at 1:23 pm #

      Thanks so much for this, Joy. I love the thought of running in heaven, defiantly, triumphantly. Will there be boots in heaven, perhaps? :-) xx

  20. Sara 9th January, 2013 at 3:45 pm #

    Hi Tanya

    This post hits close to home for me, I suffer from
    Chronic Pain and Fibro which was changed only last year from M.E. I am my own worst enemy I plan things knowing that there is a good chance I will have to cancel but not planning makes me feel like I’m giving in.

    Yet over 7 years into this illness you would think I would have learned but I am a slow learner it seems or to quote the Dr, self destructive.

    I’m so glad you brought those boots and I pray that you get to wear them more times that you dreamt.

    • Tanya 10th January, 2013 at 1:22 pm #

      Thanks so much for stopping by, Sara. I think it’s really tough to get the right balance in how to think about this illness. On the one hand, you don’t want to let it define you. On the other, it’s impractical to live your life knowing that plans can change at any second. It’s tough. I know that ‘I don’t want to give into it’ mentality…

      Thanks so much for understanding.

  21. Mia 9th January, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

    Dearest Tanya
    I missed you the time you were away and prayed that Pappa would keep you okay.
    Lovely to have you back in the land of bloggers. Your post brought a deep sob to my throat and I am battling tears now for I know, dear one, … I know… . I am also in the battle zone with my heart and emotions at the moment. May Pappa grant us grace upon grace, upon grace.
    Much love to you, sweet friend
    Mia

    • Tanya 10th January, 2013 at 1:19 pm #

      Am shooting up some prayers for peace for you, lovely Mia. Much love x

  22. Jillie 9th January, 2013 at 3:05 pm #

    Hi Tanya…Good to be back here with you after all the Christmas hoopla.

    You do sound very weary, my friend. So glad you pressed ‘buy now’ for the amazing ‘dark grey’ boots. I was hoping you would.

    And I’m more than glad that you are here, using your voice in your unique way, to speak to people like me. God Bless your heart.

    • Tanya 10th January, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

      Thanks so much for your encouragement and for rooting for the boots! I really appreciate it.

  23. Anna Wood 9th January, 2013 at 2:54 pm #

    Lovely post Tanya – and echoes how I, and I suspect most people with ME are feeling at this time. We went away to see relatives. It was lovely, but they have no idea how tiring it is – and how ill it makes us. One set of parents exhausts us by talk loudly, often shouting (nicely) from room to room – the other invited a handful more relatives for a celebration dinner. I spent most of it lying on my bed, trying to find a way to get through this ‘ordeal’ , when it should have been a fun occasion. We got back 5 days ago, and it is only now that the true effect of our exertions have hit us. The littlest thing is so hard to cope with – my husband who is normally so strong and in control was in hysterical tears this morning – the battery in the car is dead and we don’t have the energy to get the charger out and hook it up. It seems such a little thing, but he felt so helpless, that even this little task was beyond him. Now I have to comfort him, and somehow find the energy to cook a meal, or we won’t eat tonight! The idea that there will be energy for really living seems a long way away.

    • tallandrew 9th January, 2013 at 6:25 pm #

      Anna, it’s my heart goes out to you and Phil knowing how active you would like to be. You have such a generous spirit and I’m pleased to be a good friend of you!

    • Tanya 10th January, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

      I’m so sorry to hear this, Anna. I hate that feeling of panic and helplessness when you need to do something and can’t. It’s especially tough for you both being sufferers. I’m praying…

  24. Cat 9th January, 2013 at 2:46 pm #

    Good post Tanya. Possibly one of my favourites that you have written. Wendy is right – you have a fantastic ministry online and by sharing your story you are connecting people, encouraging them and showing them the reality of real life.

    • Tanya 10th January, 2013 at 1:13 pm #

      I was so surprised when you said this was one of your favourites – I so nearly didn’t press publish! Thank you, as ever, for your encouragement. X

  25. Wendy van Eyck 9th January, 2013 at 2:24 pm #

    I’m glad you bought the boots. I was rooting for you to do it.
    Thank you for this hard insight into your life.
    One thing though, don’t discount the ministry that you are doing just writing and sharing your heart and your struggle with suffering right here. Your life and your story matter!

    • Joanna 9th January, 2013 at 9:52 pm #

      Well this is just exactly what I would have said if Wendy hadn’t got there first. I can only imagine the frustration you feel but I really do echo all the people who have said how important your online voice is. I am sure your online ministry is going to go from strength to strength, even if, for the moment, your body is not. Thank you for your honesty and your gentleness.

      • Joanna 9th January, 2013 at 9:54 pm #

        Whoops – I think it is obvious but I didn’t mean to reply to Wendy, rather to leave a comment for Tanya! Wendy expressed my heart so beautifully I obviously clicked there by mistake!

        • Tanya 14th January, 2013 at 6:28 pm #

          No worries!!

      • Tanya 14th January, 2013 at 6:28 pm #

        Thank you so much for your affirmation – I am feeling SO loved!

    • Tanya 10th January, 2013 at 1:12 pm #

      Thank you, Wendy! You know, I so nearly didn’t post this for fear of being seen as shallow and materialistic… You and others have been so gracious in rooting for the boots!
      And thank you for the reminder that this is ministry. I know it is, but I do need reminding, thank you.

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