The Memory Keeper

Photo Credit: Kiama Library

Photo Credit: Kiama Library

It always surprises me how the seemingly simple administrative tasks can floor me with grief. This year, it was the act of compiling our family photo album that undid me.
 
Sifting through thousands of digital photos, I selected one smiling face after another for the album: Jon and the boy go camping with our friends; my best friend takes the boy to a National Trust Home, and he pouts as she dresses him in Tudor costume; Jon and the boy go to a cafe together.
 
There are pages and pages of the boy smiling in these different events, and I am glad, because he has a full and good life, with joy and exploration.
 
Here is a photo of Jon and the boy at the beach, a page full of late lazy summer sun and the yellow-brown sand, broken up by the blue and black stripes of the boy’s swimming costume. I see another set of photos of the boy with his four cousins, one of whom I have yet to meet, and they hold up their hands full of sticky dough from making pizza with Grandma.
 
Always one for reviewing and looking back, I enjoy compiling photo albums, because it is a way of revisiting memories, tasting life twice. This year’s album, however, is alien to me. My own family album is a book full of other people’s memories.
 

Photo Credit: Lammyman

Photo Credit: Lammyman


 
Every now and again, I come across a precious event that I was part of. Here is a trip to the sea front, where I am watching my boy scoot one-legged with a mad speed, shooting the other leg out to the side and twisting it as he flies past just to show me how proficient he is: he can wiggle and scoot at the same time. Suddenly I can see him as a teenager, performing a skateboarding move in the nonchalant way that teens do, as though they don’t care who’s watching, whilst secretly really caring who’s watching.
 
There is a picture of me, smiling in the early Spring sunshine, holding the boy, hugging him as he squirms to escape. I enlarge that photo of me so that it takes up the whole of one A4 page. What I can’t provide in quantity I will make up for in size.
 
In fact, I supersize most of the photos I can find of me. (Wow, I look thin! And surprisingly good, I think. Does this count as an achievement – being photogenic? I delete all the unflattering photos of me, but leave the one of me in Torquay looking super-skinny with great make-up. Now that I think about it, I think I asked Jon to stand on a chair to take the picture so that it would be a flattering angle, and I was sucking in my stomach. I probably don’t look like that in real life. But the photo looks pretty darn good, and that’s enough. The album will tell its own happy story.)
 
I flick past the next set of photos – another visit up-country for Jon and the boy to see friends and family – more faces, more places, no me.
 
Where am I? I have lost myself amongst the crowd of memories that are not my own. This is my life, and I am not in it.
 
Where am I in my son’s life? There are no photos of me in pyjamas, but that is how I spend the majority of my waking hours. Instead, there are occasional tableaux of normality: I pop up every now and again in a restaurant with my son and husband, wheelchair discreetly to one side, sitting in a proper chair, all glammed up. Here is another one of us going to choose a Christmas tree as a family, me wearing my new faux-fur coat.
 
Is this me? Am I Mrs Banks in Mary Poppins, a glamorous but fleeting presence in my son’s life, someone who plays at being Mummy for photo opportunities?
 
I am dissolving with every picture I add to the album, I am growing smaller and smaller, until I fear that perhaps I no longer exist. Every now and again, I come across a photo of myself, and I enlarge it and put it in the album.
 
(I wondered how I got through it last year without tears – and then I remembered that I had sobbed my way through that one, too. I had just forgotten that it had been painful. Memory is such a traitor. I will forget again by the time next year comes, no doubt.)
 
****
 
I spend a day or two in a cloud of mourning: another year gone. On the internet, I am a successful writer, I tweet witty things (when I remember that I am witty), and there is nothing to distinguish me between the other writer friends I have.
 
But this album exposes the truth – there is a big world out there, and I am only half-living in it.
 
Eventually I sob out to a few friends on Voxer: Who am I? What am I doing with my life? – and it feels good to have released something. My friend Sarah replies, and says that in lots of cultures around the world, the women, particularly the mothers, are the archivists. They record the memories, take the photos, write the stories.
 
Archivist. I roll that word in my head for a few days, and I like it. In our family, I am the one who records the fact that our boy currently wants to be an A&E doctor, a writer of Magic Man novels and a bin-man. I write down his funny sayings in secret, treasuring them up. I am the annoying one with the camera at Christmas and birthdays, asking everyone to smile.
 
My role is family archivist, the memory keeper. As I consider my actions as a role, it helps – I feel more solid, corporeal again.
 
****
 
Photo credit: Mariela

Photo credit: Mariela

 
The memory keeper. It reminds me of a poem by Jenny Rowbory, describing Jesus as a librarian who keeps a jar of every single tear. I loved that image of the unseen Christ, carefully preserving the tears as they fall.
 
It recalls the sadness of the psalmist who whispers to God:

“You have kept record
of my days of wandering.
You have stored my tears
in your bottle
and counted each of them.” (Psalm 56:8 CEV)

 I pause to consider God as an archivist of our lives. He sees. He remembers. He records the tears that are shed, the private griefs and smiles that no one captures on camera. He is the memory keeper.
 
So this one is for all those who feel their lives and identity disappearing – through the demands of parenthood, or illness, or grief, or a move, or unemployment, or infertility, or the oppressive busyness of life.
 
You are whole, and you are valuable. Your tears are counted and kept in His jar. Your pain is recorded on His scroll. You are seen.
 

“You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.” Psalm 58:6 (The Message)

 
Today I’m thankful to be a memory-keeper, and thankful to have God as mine.
 
Tweetables:
 
“Your tears are counted and kept in His jar. Your pain is recorded on His scroll.” – @Tanya_Marlow 
 
“This one is for all those who feel their lives and identity disappearing” – The Memory Keeper by @Tanya_Marlow:
 
“The album will tell its own happy story.” Who takes the photos in your family? @Tanya_Marlow – The Memory Keeper:
 
“My own family album is a book full of other people’s memories.” – @Tanya_Marlow – The Memory Keeper:
 
“There is a big world out there, and I am only half-living in it.” @Tanya_Marlow on the grief of chronic illness:
 
“I pause to consider God as the archivist of our lives.” @Tanya_Marlow on photo albums and Psalm 56: 
 
Over to you:

  • In what ways are you the archivist, either of your life or your family’s?
  • What difference does it make to you to know God as your memory-keeper?

 

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24 Responses to The Memory Keeper

  1. Rebecka 11th March, 2015 at 9:57 pm #

    Thank you, this is beautiful!
    There is so much more I’d like to write, but my brain is too foggy and I’m crying from reading this…

    • Tanya 18th March, 2015 at 1:36 pm #

      LOVE YOU LOTS. xxx

  2. Fiona Lynne 11th March, 2015 at 8:06 pm #

    This is so moving, Tanya. I do the same each year, making photo albums. I can’t imagine the heartache of seeing my own absence there. I love how your friend reframed it. You are the memory keeper, beautiful. x
    Fiona Lynne recently posted…Giving up FOMO (the Fear Of Missing Out!)My Profile

    • Tanya 18th March, 2015 at 1:35 pm #

      Thank you so much, lovely Fiona. Here’s to reframing – it’s so powerful, isn’t it?

  3. Tim Carlisle 11th March, 2015 at 7:01 pm #

    I like that you archive – I went about about 18 months and didn’t really take any photographs – and I still don’t take many unless I’m ‘somewhere’. The daily life, the kids growing up – I see it, I remember it but I don’t record it – not since there wasn’t someone to show it to.

    I cannot begin to understand what it must be like though to not be able to be part of so many of the memories BUT hear this – the boy’s most important memories are not of making Pizza with cousins, visiting far flung friends, or going to a National Trust house and playing dress us – he may remember them but honestly these are not the things he will treasure up in his heart. No it’s the time spend snuggling with mummy on the sofa or bed reading a story, of playing Aladdin or some dinosaur related game. Not of meals in cafe’s or restaurants with Daddy and friends but of home cooked food because that can be eaten with mummy AND daddy.

    You may not have the photos but then why would you? Because you are totally immersed in it, part of the most precious times that he will have. You are the one having your dot to dot marked, having stories about Magic Man read to you, having tea served in the garden.

    So you are not a Mrs Banks – you are there for him – and you want to be there for him, you haven’t chosen to send him off on adventures without you.

    Of course it is unbelievably painful not to share in all his other adventures, and of course there will be some with Jon that he will treasure too (which is only right) and of course it’s right that you mourn your loss (and that loss is a sure sign that you aren’t some beastly mother character from Mary Poppins for whom a child is an inconvenience) and we mourn with you but don’t feel guilty that you are any less of a mummy to the boy.

    • Tanya 18th March, 2015 at 1:35 pm #

      Thank you, Tim – and I think you’re right, I’m not a Mrs Banks, and I choose to reject that as a label for my relationship with the boy. And we do have some fun, unrecorded adventures (well, unrecorded by photo, but I sneakily write some of them up, so – WIN!)
      Thanks for your support and friendship.

  4. Caiobhe 11th March, 2015 at 5:50 pm #

    Tanya thank you for sharing this rawness. Thank you for reframing it all. There are missing years in our photo albums and even those that were taken during those times make me feel pain, so I understand some of your feelings here. I love the archivist image, and the idea of Jesus archiving our tears. This is beautiful. with love.
    Caiobhe recently posted…I’d forgotten my WhyMy Profile

    • Tanya 18th March, 2015 at 1:33 pm #

      Thanks so much for this. I’m thinking of you today, too, with the missing years, and the ache that comes from looking through those photo albums. Much love x

  5. Gail Collings 11th March, 2015 at 3:44 pm #

    Oh Tanya my heart just aches for you when I read this. So powerful and poignant. Beautifully written capturing how it feels to be the invisible man. May you soon be set free from this illness to redeem the years the locust has eaten. That is my prayer for you. X

  6. Tammy Perlmutter 11th March, 2015 at 2:36 pm #

    I totally understand this. Growing up in foster care meant that the record of my life is disjointed, fragmented. I have few pictures of me, only one of me as a baby. It’s like I’ve only lived a handful of ages, and the rest are gone. Even now, I am the one behind the lens and I don’t show up often in albums. My daughter is 11 and we have four family photos so far. And a rare few of just Phoenix and I. But there are other memories, other stories that are handed down that are just as poignant, even if there is no photo to prove they happened.
    Tammy Perlmutter recently posted…Our Truest Rescue: The Stories We TellMy Profile

    • Tanya 18th March, 2015 at 1:31 pm #

      Thanks so much for sharing your story – I can see why you really get this. I can’t believe you only have one photo of you as a baby – that’s hard. Fragmented – that is the perfect word.
      Thanks so much for stopping by, Tammy – I’m enjoying getting to know you better.

  7. Helen Stevens 11th March, 2015 at 1:32 pm #

    Such a heart-wrenching, beautiful piece, Tanya. I particularly remember that poem of @Stroopwaffle’s/Jenny’s because it made me cry. I remember the lines in the poem about Jesus/the librarian stacking the shelves of the library with bottles full of our tears that He has collected.
    It’s hard to know what to say. I wish it wasn’t this way for you, Tanya.

    • Tanya 18th March, 2015 at 1:29 pm #

      I’m glad that you also know and love that poem by Jenny – it’s amazing, isn’t it?
      Just – thanks for stopping by. Your words about having no words are a gift in themselves.

  8. Lucy 11th March, 2015 at 12:21 pm #

    Beautiful Tanya, very moving. Memory keeping is such an important role. I know the feeling of the ‘half living’ you speak of. Struggle with it often. Sending love.
    Lucy recently posted…to rest…with intentionMy Profile

    • Tanya 18th March, 2015 at 1:28 pm #

      Thank you so much, Lucy – I know that you know how this goes. Thanks for the solidarity x

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