When your holiday is not heaven

IMG_3774Whenever people asked me about my holiday in Greece this year, I would say, “it was wonderful, beautiful.” The Facebook photos show it, and it is true. But it is not the whole truth. My holiday was wonderful, beautiful – and really hard.

At this point I want to tell you quickly that it doesn’t mean that I’m not absurdly grateful for being given the chance to relax in a place of great beauty. It is a massive blessing to be able to holiday abroad, and one I don’t take for granted. But joy and pain run like parallel train tracks in our lives, and I want to be honest about both.

***

For the first four days, my heart reacted badly to the heat and went berserk. I felt overwhelmingly, blurringly ill. I needed to take more pain killers in two weeks than I had done in four months previously. I needed to rest, alone, for the majority of the day.

But it was the emotional punch that surprised me. Grief has its own timetable, and it can strike at the most inappropriate and inconvenient times, even in the middle of a holiday you’ve been looking forward to for ages.

Ten years ago, Jon and I had visited that same Greek island. In 2005, I was in my twenties, and it was the last summer that my mobility was unaffected by M.E. Ten years ago, we had climbed up a mountain on the island and walked for miles. We had gone on boat trips and seen dolphins. That twenty-somethinged girl had been utterly ignorant of what would happen to her body over the next ten years.

It took me a while to work out why I felt so sad: I was grieving myself. In 2015, every time I looked at a map, or Jon mentioned a familiar place that he and the boy would be visiting, I remembered that first holiday, and how I had been able to swim in the pool and explore the churches. The ghost of my younger self kept distracting me from enjoying the present.

***

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I needed to talk it through, but there was no space to talk. I had purposely taken myself off social media so I could spend more time with Jon and the boy, but in the evenings I was unable to concentrate for longer than an hour, and needed to go to bed early. I am an extrovert: I do not do well with no people. I am a parasite who needs others to help me to process my thoughts – but I had only the echo chamber of my own thoughts.

I couldn’t escape my grief, so I sat with it.

In the hours after my husband and son had waved goodbye to me for the day, I imagined I was with them. I pictured myself climbing the church tower together with them, sweating and complaining that Jon had not brought enough water. (I needed to make the portrait realistic, after all).

I imagined I was there with Jon, watching my son jumping off rocks into the sea. (I would probably have tried to persuade Jon not to let my son jump off rocks into the sea, come to think of it.)

I imagined walking in rock pools with the boy and telling him stories about starfish. I imagined persuading Jon that although we were going out for dinner in the evening, we really did need to buy a gyros kebab for lunch as well.

I tried to be happy where I was – the hot sun, the beautiful view – but I kept being pulled to the past me and the potential me. In the end, I just let myself be sad.

But there was joy mingled with the grief. The heat embraced me as I lay on the sunbed, and when the Greek sun hits the white walls of the houses, all you can see is light, everywhere. I listened to music and sang loudly, with no one to hear me. When my brain came back after a few days, I got lost in some novels.

On the days I was well enough to leave the cottage with my family, I drank it all in – the bright pink flowers, dark olive trees, blue roofs and white walls, the taste of succulent fresh fish eaten by the sea. On one glorious day, I was able to go the beach with my boy, and for half an hour we sat by the water’s edge, choosing the best stones (naming one stone a ‘margarine stone’ for reasons that now escape me), laughing wildly every time a wave rushed over us. In those moments, I was utterly and completely filled with joy.

We were on holiday, away from our day-to-day routine, our usual vista, but I could not take a holiday from my illness.

***

This is the truth of holidays, whether you have chronic illness or not: they offer us a break from the norm, but not a break from us. Sometimes they feel like a beautiful, too-good-to-be-true gift and your soul is filled to the brim with joy – for a fortnight. Sometimes they can also be a tantalising teaser of how good life could be, and how plain your normal life is. Other times they can also be a cruel reminder that you and the world are broken, and life is not perfect.

I’ve been reading Wild in the Hollow by Amber Haines, a beautiful memoir about brokenness and searching for home. She keeps saying how so many things in life are a metaphor that point to the greater spiritual reality.

When the grief of chronic illness strikes, I am Adam and Eve, homesick for Eden, looking at the angel barring the way back. My sickness is part of the metaphor that reminds me of the brokenness of the world. When I am paddling in the clear Mediterranean, I am John in Patmos, with a glimpse of heaven and the riches of eternal life with the Creator.

***

We want holidays to be heaven, but that is still to come. Sometimes it is good to be reminded that we are homesick for paradise, and that heaven is not to be found by jumping on a plane.

In the meantime, grief and joy will always intermingle, whispering to us the truths of this world, fall and resurrection, if only we have the time and ears to stop and listen.

(With thanks to Amber Haines and my friend Katherine Carlisle for the inspiration)

Over to you:

  • How was your holiday, if you were able to have one?
  • What are the metaphors about greater spiritual reality that are speaking to you at the moment?
  • Are you more ‘Adam and Eve’ or ‘John on Patmos’?

The link to Amber’s excellent book is an Amazon affiliate link – £5.22 on Kindle, £10.77 hardback. If you haven’t yet bought it, you should! 

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33 Responses to When your holiday is not heaven

  1. Michelle Twin Mum 31st August, 2015 at 10:46 pm #

    It’s the first time visiting your blog and I was really interested to read this, there are some real nuggets in there that I will take away and ponder. My holiday this year was amazing because a friend offered me such kindness and in doing that she has opened a much bigger door and started a ball rolling, who knows where it will end up! Mich x

    • Tanya 6th September, 2015 at 11:52 am #

      Yay! I’m so glad you had such a great holiday and your friend offered you such kindness. Hurrah for kindness and bigger doors. And thank you so much for discovering my blog! I hope you can keep in touch. 🙂

  2. Michael Wenham 31st August, 2015 at 4:45 pm #

    Yes, I went on holiday – to Devon – with all the family, and although I’m less restricted than you, Tanya, I do share the bitter-sweetness of it all… all that might have been! And yet I wouldn’t have anywhere else. But I disagree with Paul’s light momentary affliction! I think you’re right. We are like Adam and Eve. We, hand in hand with wandring steps and slow, through Eden take our solitary way. But Providence will, we hope, bring us safely home.

    • Tanya 6th September, 2015 at 11:51 am #

      Michael – it always brings me such joy to see you on here – thank you for your comments.
      “yet I wouldn’t have been anywhere else” – really? Devon is the destination of choice? Not even the Maldives? (I’m kidding! I know what you mean – it’s about being with family and enjoying the moments. But as someone who lives in Devon, and therefore knows how much it rains, I always tease people who CHOOSE to come here for a holiday! Really, all we have is damp air, muddy moors, and Plymouth – a city that is best known for people leaving it.) 😉
      ” We, hand in hand with wandring steps and slow, through Eden take our solitary way. But Providence will, we hope, bring us safely home.” – this was beautiful. Thank you.

      • Michael Wenham 6th September, 2015 at 12:45 pm #

        That was Milton!

        Actually we had a lot of sunshine – some days of mist and murk as well. I know you know!

        • Tanya 17th September, 2015 at 5:21 pm #

          OH!!
          I thought it was good poetry…

          I enjoyed reading about your Devon holiday. I know what you mean about being irked at the quantity of money people give to donkeys rather than people..!

  3. Caiobhe 30th August, 2015 at 10:58 pm #

    Well written and brave to write about the thorns and the golds. Love you, love you, love you x

    • Tanya 6th September, 2015 at 11:47 am #

      Thank you, amazing lady. Thanks for your encouragement.

  4. Alison Whale 30th August, 2015 at 10:30 pm #

    I had a week in Paris with my Mum and aunt. 28 years since I was last there. A mad destination on such limited energy. It was simultaneously glorious and tough. Of course I posted photos of the good bits and raved about the times I went out. And people said how well and how much better I must be. And I felt I had to explain that I only actually left the apartment 3 times for short outings and how I mostly stayed behind when the others went out during the day and to eat each night, and spent days in bed and cried with frustration and used a wheelchair and how it was tough but glorious at the same time and that I wouldn’t have missed it but just being there made me so acutely aware of how much I was missing.

    • Tanya 6th September, 2015 at 11:47 am #

      Oh, Paris! Sweet Paris! I haven’t been there in 16 years. (It rained, as I recall – Paris has a habit of disappointing its visitors, and then saying, “bof” in a very French way.)
      “people said how well and how much better I must be” – YUP. I get this! The frustration of the assumptions made when it is all you can do to hold in the sadness of being able to do so little. ‘tough but glorious’ – that sums up so much of life, Alison. I love your insight. Thanks so much for sharing this.

  5. Hannah Deane 30th August, 2015 at 10:10 pm #

    All the yes .
    Just been at my sister’s wedding, amazing, happy. But the grief of missing certain parts stung deep.
    So pleased you got to go away. But wish you could check in your ME with your bags.
    Beautiful reminder here, of our hope in eternity.

    • Tanya 6th September, 2015 at 11:44 am #

      Oh, your sister’s wedding! How cool! I’m so glad you got to go. ‘wish you could check in your ME with your bags’ – ha! that’s it, exactly! Wouldn’t that be great? Thanks for your encouragement about my words, lovely Hannah.

  6. Lucy 30th August, 2015 at 8:45 pm #

    Thanks for sharing this, Tanya. I love holidays but am often frustrated and yes, grieved by them. They offer a particularly sharp contrast between “what I long to do” and “what I can’t do”. Plus, I grieve that I can’t contribute to the driving, etc, and that my husband has to do it all. It makes my eyes blur often….

    • Tanya 6th September, 2015 at 11:43 am #

      Thank you so much, Lucy, for reminding me I’m not alone in this – especially about the desire not only to enjoy, but to contribute. I totally get that. x

  7. Kath 30th August, 2015 at 8:34 pm #

    Beautiful as ever… I too had some weird holiday grief this year, of a life before marriage when I would walk along long coast paths or up mountains with my Dad or brother. I don’t get to do that at the moment (small beings not making that possible) and my soul felt shrivelled as a result. I felt the feelings and then came to grasp that it was ok to grieve the loss, but also to embrace what I do have… holidays are hard eh. Joyful but hard. Much like life then.

    • Tanya 6th September, 2015 at 11:43 am #

      Thank you, lovely Kath, for understanding! It’s weird how change, even when it’s good, is experienced as a loss. I love that you’re good at feeling your feelings and grieving the loss. Thanks, friend. x

  8. Donna-Jean Brown 30th August, 2015 at 8:26 pm #

    Tanya, I very much appreciate your description here of the hard parts of your Greek vacation. I am so sorry for your chronic limitations and pain.
    Like you, I want to be positive and not a complainer that others will find depressing. However, I for one, really need to hear that other devoted Christians also find it a struggle to deal with all the suffering that this life brings. If my sisters and brothers tell only the happy stories I feel so inferior in my faith and wonder what I even have in common with them. Blessings do abound but so does ugly injustice and tragedy.
    In solidarity and faith,
    DJ

    • Tanya 6th September, 2015 at 11:41 am #

      Dear Donna Jean,
      ” If my sisters and brothers tell only the happy stories I feel so inferior in my faith and wonder what I even have in common with them.” – thank you, dear sister, for reminding me of why I write. I am so very grateful for your honesty and solidarity.

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