Pills @ sign 3
“Can you please tell me how to get in touch with my local ME specialist? I know the files were being transferred to a new system last year, but I was meant to see him last March, and haven’t heard anything and…”


I stop before the emotion catches up with me: pause, concentrate on my breathing, the rest of the words, unsaid, flowing through my mind.


That I can’t breathe properly when I try and walk, that again my heart is again being peculiar, that again I am needing to be almost completely bedbound, that again I feel helpless and abandoned by the medical profession.


It is becoming a familiar pattern, around January-March each year. I was hoping it might be different this year. You tell yourself – maybe the Vitamin D tablets I’ve been taking, they might be the thing that will avoid the relapse this year. I’m doing better this year, maybe I’ll escape it. Maybe it’s a temporary blip rather than a major crash.


“Um…” Her voice sounds hesitant and apologetic. “I’m really sorry about this. We’ve lost your notes. The only way to access your specialist is to start over again and re-register as a new patient. You’ll have to ask your GP to fill in the forms and send off for the blood tests.”


I hold the phone, trying to process this information.


“But I’ve been in the system for 7 years. I’ve been waiting for a follow-up appointment for 18 months. I’ve been waiting for you to get in touch with me… I haven’t seen my specialist for 18 months.”


“I’m very sorry,” she repeats.



There is a familiarity and a weariness about the ‘again’s that make up so much of life. The early morning commute or the middle-of-the-night wakings or the pain of family arguments – these things are a part of the everyday.




The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning. (Lam 3:23, paraphrased).


I cling to the words; the love that endures, the mercies that flow again and again.


In case you missed my latest updates on my health they are here and here.

This was my best five minutes on ‘again’.

Over to you:

  • What are your ‘agains’ at the moment? In which areas of life are you reaching for God’s mercy?

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40 Responses to Again

  1. HopefulLeigh 25th January, 2013 at 4:58 pm #

    Oh, Tanya. My heart just broke a bit for you. How frustrating! Yes, God’s mercies will see you through this but for now I join you in commiserating.

    • Tanya 26th January, 2013 at 12:57 pm #

      Thank you SO much, Leigh – I always feel so uplifted and supported by your words. Much love x

  2. Genevieve Thul @ Turquoise Gates 25th January, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

    This, on top of the exhaustion, seems too much. My prayers are with you, my friend! I hope they straighten things out without you having to go through the rigamorale of getting another referral!

    • Tanya 26th January, 2013 at 12:58 pm #

      Thank you, sweet lady!

  3. Kara 25th January, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

    Powerful post. “There is a familiarity and a weariness about the ‘again’s that make up so much of life.” I feel like that is where I am right now and I don’t know if it is just the beginning of a new year in a place I didn’t think I would be or the fact that I feel like God is being silent…again, but this resonated with me so much. Thank you for encouraging me and I am sorry for the battle that you are going through. I guess I would just say that God is going through it with you, if that offers any comfort.

    Thanks for this post.

    • Tanya 26th January, 2013 at 12:59 pm #

      Thank you so much for standing with me…

  4. Alice 25th January, 2013 at 3:05 pm #

    Oh POOS. That is so disheartening.

    I rarely manage a call about medical stuff without crying – and that’s when I’m dealing with Mikey! Even when I rang to ask for help to deal with his verruca I CRIED! It’s just so charged with every worry and fear and even worse when your fears are confirmed and you realise you’re back to square one.

    I have just prayed for patience for you, that knowing God knows you and your body perfectly and he hasn’t forgotten you or information about you might be a source of strength and I have prayed that God will intervene and get things speeding on. xxx

    • Tanya 26th January, 2013 at 12:59 pm #

      You know what? For some reason, you telling me you cry at medical stuff is SO comforting. Thank you! – for this and much else xx

  5. denise 25th January, 2013 at 1:57 pm #

    Blessings, love, hugs, and prayers dear one.

    • Tanya 26th January, 2013 at 12:59 pm #

      Thanks, Denise!

  6. Kati Woronka (@katiworonka) 25th January, 2013 at 11:35 am #

    Oh wow, what a terrible conversation! I so know the feeling – though this one is above and beyond… 18 months just to learn you’ve been lost in the system?! (I won’t be telling this story to those friends of mine who are just looking for a reason to scrap the whole NHS…). But on my own small scale, I know the feeling and am afraid my response is more inclined towards anger than the grace you express here. May God’s spirit stay with you…

    • Tanya 26th January, 2013 at 1:02 pm #

      Thank you! And yes, NHS… I have a bit of a love:hate relationship with it. On the one hand, the opaque administrative systems can be infuriating. On the other hand, it was very freeing when ringing for an ambulance to know that I only had to worry about whether I felt ill enough to go to hospital, not whether I had enough money, or if my insurance would cover it…

  7. Joy Lenton 25th January, 2013 at 11:07 am #

    Dear Tanya, how very wearying and discouraging for you to not only find yourself in the same place health-wise that you keep returning to time and time again, but to be faced with the incompetent heartlessness of the medical system too. It is just heartbreaking. I am so sorry for this relapse in your symptoms and the distress it must be causing you. My own pattern used to include much of the same. Now there is no specific rhyme or reason about it cyclically. I really feel for you and the sheer mental weariness of facing it again as well as the weakness in your body. Praying for healing and restoration for you, my sweet friend, and for our Lord to draw close and just hold you safe until this storm subsides. Cling to those words He has spoken, His mercy new every morning. May you be comforted by His Presence, sustained by his grace and encompassed by His love always. Much love to you and yours 🙂 xx

    • Tanya 26th January, 2013 at 1:02 pm #

      Thank you so much for this prayer-soaked comment xx

  8. Mi 25th January, 2013 at 10:59 am #

    Oh Tanya
    Welcome back, dear fiend! How I know that again of this illness. Pain again, depression again, exhaustion again, etc. again!! Praying for you!
    Much love

    • Tanya 26th January, 2013 at 1:03 pm #

      I know that you know – feeling it with you… Xx

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