On rain and my godson and other mercies

Yesterday, in the silence of the house, I could hear the rain softly falling, dibble-dabbling on the ground. It was the soundtrack to my day. I had walked past the bedroom – and felt the absence of my boys. I walked to the bathroom, and saw a small pair of pyjamas on the nappy changing table, and I missed them both. I went down on my stairlift to the kitchen to get my pre-prepared breakfast, and there was oil on the floor, and I had to mop it up with kitchen roll, but my muscles were weak and I was losing strength, and I had to focus on getting my breakfast so that I would have something to eat. The kitchen was a mess, but I couldn’t do anything till my friend arrived later in the evening, and I thought, “I would be in serious trouble if Jon died”, and that was a lonely sort of thought.

Jon and the boy have gone away for the weekend because our godson is being dedicated on Sunday. I am staying at home while Jon represents us both. I seem to have reverted back to being a student, with nothing in my day and no structure, I am eating funny food at peculiar times, whilst lying on the sofa in pyjamas, watching TV on my own. I never watch TV on my own, but here I am, watching a 2003 re-run of ‘Homes under the Hammer’, and telling myself that I will go upstairs and rest properly or write properly just as soon as my important program has finished.

I tear myself away from the TV and feel an emptiness, and the sky is grey. The summer is over. I am not going to be at the Dedication.


The rain is continuing to fall, and it sounds gentle. I am looking through my wardrobe, and seeing all the summer dresses that I should be packing away for next year. The weather has been so lovely, for so long – all these years we have been complaining that we haven’t had a summer, but this year the sun actually came out for August and I was able to lie in the garden and enjoy its heat. I had a good summer, and I got to wear my pretty dresses. For once, I don’t begrudge the rain for its season.

I look through all of my autumn clothes, and they are all the same, the same clothes again, the same as last year and the year before. The thought whispers in my mind: I don’t want to do this again. Not for another year.

I want to buy a warm, colourful dress, something new for the autumn. I want something to be different.


The shadows are getting longer and I replay the voicemail again: my MP is coming to see me. I try not to get excited, but I can’t help it: this is my chance to change things, to be heard.

I have been home alone for a day, and I am leaning into the restfulness of it. The silence is no longer a taunt, but a companion.

I decide that I will wear a dress on Sunday. While Jon and the boy are at the front of church making their promises, I will be lying in bed, making those promises in an empty room. But I will be wearing a dress.

The rain continues to fall. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies are new every morning. I look outside of the window, and it all looks so green and clean, the start of a new season.

Over to you:

  • How are you feeling about the start of Autumn/Fall?
  • When do you need to remember that God’s mercies are ‘new every morning’?

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32 Responses to On rain and my godson and other mercies

  1. Joy Lenton 14th September, 2013 at 9:10 pm #

    Dear Tanya, my heart went out to you as I read this. How we feel so acutely those seasonal changes marking yet more time spent in PJs, bed and house, more years spent living with the continual constraints of chronic illness. I’m so pleased you were able to enjoy the garden this summer and I will smile as I think of you wearing your dress tomorrow. Go girl!
    Don’t give up hope, my friend. Changes for the better may yet lie ahead for you. I do hope and pray so. Meanwhile, continue to pour out your heart here, share your days, good or ill, and keep seeing the grace glimmers glinting through the rain.
    PS:Sorry I’ve been a stranger of late. M.E has got the better of me too recently and I’ve missed many of your posts. Hope to catch up soon! Blessings and love Xx

    • Tanya 15th September, 2013 at 8:39 am #

      ‘Grace glimmers glinting through the rain’ – I love that. Thank you. Thank you for understanding, too, and living it with me. (And please don’t feel like you need to apologise for missing my posts, especially from ME relapses! If anyone understands, it’s me. Sending you a whole lotta love, and hoping that your health picks up as we to into autumn.). Xxx

  2. Diana Trautwein 14th September, 2013 at 5:19 pm #

    This is a beautiful, sad reverie, Tanya. I love your idea of wearing a dress tomorrow – and I’m so glad you had a warm August, one in which you could luxuriate a bit. (What’s an MP?)

    • Tanya 15th September, 2013 at 8:37 am #

      Oo – I love the word reverie, Diana! Thank you! (An MP is a member of parliament – I guess your equivalent would be congressman or woman?)

  3. Stacy 14th September, 2013 at 2:42 pm #

    Thank you, Tanya, for this. For modeling the leaning-on-daily-mercies that I try to live. This touched me, and, somehow, encouraged me. Praying for a gorgeous autumn for you, warm and colorful and different.

    • Tanya 15th September, 2013 at 8:36 am #

      Thanks so much, Stacy. I’m so glad it encouraged you as well as touching you! Thanks for your prayers for a warm autumn – that sounds good.

  4. Katherine Carlisle 14th September, 2013 at 2:31 pm #

    Oh you puppet you made me cry … And i don’t do crying. I am very much hoping we get to see the dress but even if we don’t… We love you and you will be an amazing godmother to Isaac. …

    • Tanya 15th September, 2013 at 8:34 am #

      Hello friend – it made me cry that you cried! Love you x

  5. Sarah 14th September, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

    The days I find hardest are generally those when I have to miss out on important celebrations. I often dress for these days even though no one will see me. I feel it is still important to mark these events and I will often light a birthday candle for friends and pray for them as I blow it out or read scriptures and liturgies relevant to the occasion and make time to pray for the people involved. God’s omnipresence helps me feel part of special days. Even if I can’t be there with friends he is with them and with me simultaneously and knows what I’m doing to mark the occasion even when friends and family don’t.

    • Tanya 15th September, 2013 at 8:34 am #

      I love reading how you mark these times. I’m really glad you do it so intentionally and purposefully, with ritual ‘lighting candle etc’. I can definitely learn from that – thank you.

  6. Mia 14th September, 2013 at 12:20 pm #

    Dearest Tanya
    I hear your heart, I feel your hopelessness for that small moment, and I walk in my heart alongside you! Praying for your meeting with the MP. Let me know if I can in some way from South Africa help towards our battle for recognition!
    Blessings XX

    • Tanya 15th September, 2013 at 8:32 am #

      Thanks so much for standing with me, Mia!

  7. kendal 14th September, 2013 at 11:28 am #

    i have to remind myself of those new mercies every day….

    • Tanya 15th September, 2013 at 8:32 am #

      It’s a great thing to remember, isn’t it? Thanks for stopping by.

  8. Rantimi 14th September, 2013 at 11:22 am #

    Bless you as you wear that dress on Sunday. Praise God that he doesn’t need you to be at the dedication to know your heart and hear your vows. You will be a wonderful godmother. You may not feel like it but the spiritual guidance you can bring and the prayers you will pray will far outweigh what you feel your missing. When we have that heavenly meal you will see the eternal legacy.

    • Tanya 15th September, 2013 at 8:31 am #

      Thank you so much for this – it’s great to be reminded that God can hear every word.

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