My video interview for New Wine Conference, 2017 – on my journey of faith, chronic illness, and the silences of God
© Tanya Marlow – Profile Picture
Bio in brief:
Tanya Marlow is an author, speaker and broadcaster on faith and spirituality.
She is also a campaigner for those with chronic illness, disability and Myalgic Encephalomyelitis.
Formerly a lecturer in biblical theology, with a decade of experience in Christian ministry, she has been published by The Spectator, Relevant, Premier Christianity magazine and others. She admits to a weakness for karaoke, sunny days and laughing at her own jokes. You can find her in a vicarage in Devon, England with her husband and bouncy son, or writing honestly about finding God in hard places and the messy edges of life at www.tanyamarlow.com.
Author of Three Books:
She is the author of Those Who Wait: Finding God in disappointment, doubt and delay (Malcolm Down Publishing, 2017) – a creative and transformative journey through the lives of four Bible characters who waited impatiently – and found God in their frustrated longings. Preorder from Wordery (free worldwide delivery) or look out for the introductory offer 16-26th October on Amazon.
She is a contributor to Soul Bare – Stories of Redemption ed. Cara Sexton (IVP USA, 2016) alongside Seth Haines, Sarah Bessey, Emily P Freeman and more.
Her first book, Coming Back to God When You Feel Empty (2015), intertwines her own story with the biblical book of Ruth, offering a path back to God after disappointment and loss. (Get it for FREE here).
What do I write about?
My writing covers a whole host of topics, but circles around the spirituality of suffering:
- How do we relate to God when hard times come?
- What if God doesn’t feel near?
- Where can God be found?
- What if we are plagued with doubt?
- How does it really feel to have chronic illness?
- Where does the church fit in?
- What if we find ourselves in a wilderness or limbo state?
My background is in theology and ministry, but I have an English Literature degree, and I like to tackle these topics creatively, interweaving story and metaphor with spiritual truth.
I love exploring the Bible so it gets under your skin, ministers to your spirit, and leads you to Jesus.
Vulnerability and authenticity is a way to unlock courage in other people, so I write honestly about my life and weaknesses.
I dabble in feisty social justice, especially M.E. advocacy, rights for disabled people, and feminism.
This is a space for people who feel like they don’t belong. It is a place for doubters, lamenters, broken, disappointed, wobbly or lost – those who have seen the muck and of life and somehow still seek gold therein. This blog is for cynics and hopers, word-lovers and God-seekers. (I also habitually recommend good books and am occasionally hilariously funny*.) You are welcome here, and I’d love to get to know you more.
*honestly, I am.
Writer, Broadcaster, Campaigner:
- I write regularly for online magazines She Loves Magazine, and Mudroom (USA and worldwide). I have also written for The Spectator, Relevant Magazine.com (USA), Premier Christianity Magazine (UK), Threads (UK), and BigBible.
- I am a broadcaster who has been featured in BBC Radio 4, BBC Radio Devon, and UK’s Premier Christian Radio (audio), and Big Bible Project, BBC Spotlight, Change for ME documentary (video).
- I was the founder of Compassionate Britain, a grassroots campaign that united Christians to speak up for disabled people against the government cuts affecting their essential support. I also campaign for better treatment and funding for M.E. patients with #MEAction Network.
Background:
- I was formerly a lecturer in Biblical Theology, and Associate Director for a homiletics training course (accredited by St Mark and St John University, Plymouth, UK).
- I have had ten years’ experience as a Christian minister in both church and student ministry, and have been a speaker and preacher at national Christian conferences (Spring Harvest, New Wine, Greenbelt etc). I hold a post-graduate qualification in pastoral counselling.
My health:
- In 2007, I was diagnosed with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, a debilitating chronic autoimmune neurological disease, which affects my mobility and energy, and comes with a plethora of annoying symptoms. You can read more about it here.
Sept 2016 – M.E. Action Protests for Better research and treatment
- In 2010, my world changed when I gave birth and my M.E. tipped over into ‘severe M.E.’ Since then I have been housebound, needing to spend approximately 21 hours per day in bed, only able to leave the house once or twice a month for a brief trip out in my wheelchair. I now measure out my life in teaspoons. I need to rest much of the day, and have to strictly ration my time talking with friends, writing, or playing with my son.
- In 2014 I was also diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), which means my body does not enjoy being upright, and my heart goes crazy when I stand up.
- Living with chronic illness has shaped and refined my theology, and made me passionate about justice for marginalised people. You can read more about my response to this in Why Thorns and Gold?
My family:
- I have an amazing husband who is a vicar (church minister) in the Church of England, and we live by the sea in Devon, UK. (NB the picture above is NOT Devon. It’s Greece…) He’s an artist, scholar, wine connoisseur, preacher-man and organiser of legendary kids’ parties. He blogs sporadically here.
- We have a small-but-loud golden-haired son whose company we enjoy immensely. To protect him from future teenage friends googling his name and finding out all the cute things he did as a toddler, I refer to him online as ‘boy’.
Wanna know even more about me? Click on my More About Me page for some fun facts.
But enough about me – what about you? Please do introduce yourself, say, hi, interact and leave a comment, tell me your story – I’d love to hear it.
Wanna keep in touch? Please do! The best way is to subscribe to my blog (unsubscribe at any time) and get your book, Coming Back to God When You Feel Empty, for FREE!
Tanya, I’m enjoying your notes about Disability in BRF Guidelines. I’m hard of hearing so was especially interested in your comments on Mark 7: 31-37. I agree Jesus shows great understanding in how to communicate with a deaf person. In fact I’d say that’s the main point of the story, it’s almost a shame he feels the need to “heal” him. One other aspect of Jesus’ care is that I reckon he used the word Ephphatha because it’s easily lip-read – and maybe that’s why Mark retains the Aramaic word.
I’m so glad you’re reading my disability devotions! I loved doing them. It’s great to hear your thoughts as someone hard of hearing. Thank you.
Hi Tanya, I was referred to yourself by Rob Whitaker, X principle of Capernwray Bible School where I attended back in 2003.
I’ve had a look around yourself and your story and my situation in detail is different than yours, but clearly in you I find a person who is prepared to face up to realities.. rather than revert like some robot to the usual Christian platitudes.
After 20 years believing God had called me to be a pilot with mission aviation fellowship, I perhaps foolishly rushed into a marriage with a gorgeous Texan Christian girl who unbeknown to me was a follower of Joel Olsteen and the prosperity gospel in Texas.
Went over there.. things went wrong as we were just not on the same wavelength but however due to a mixture of prayers and visa pressure ended up being married before we were even engaged!
Things got worse (nothing sinister.. no abuse or unfaithfulness.. Just difference in outlook and spirituality) and she abandoned me in an apartment in Spokane Washington state where I was planning to hopefully start flying training in service for God with Moody aviation.
This was back in 2010/2011.. and we had only been together about a year. Running out of money I had to return to the UK with her promise that she would ‘work with me’ via Skype etc.. only to find on my arrival back here an email outlining her intentions to divorce.
Something amazing happened which seemed to point to God saying that he was going to save the situation and the hope wasn’t lost.
Weeks later.. It was completely lost. She went ahead and got her divorce. Since 2011 my life has just crashed. I’ve suffered depression, even PTSD.. my vision to fly and serve God in aviation has crashed and burned just like the marriage.. and there has been nothing to take its place. I’ve just been working as a trainer in health and social care which I don’t particularly have any interest in.
Then over Christmas last year my heart started doing strange things and when I went to A&e they told me they were admitting me immediately due to my white blood cells and lymphocytes being through the roof.. and the talk was of lymphoma cancer.
As I write I’m on the other side of an appointment for a biopsy where it was found it wasn’t needed as my lymph nodes apparently look ok.. But there’s still a question over what the heck is going on with my heart.
Over the past 10 years I’ve become a hermit, put on over 10 stone in weight, given up on all hope of being all doing anything useful for God.. and have been on a journey in my faith where I haven’t attended church regularly, What can relate to a lot of what you say in regards of confusion and anger towards God.
There’s been a number of things I’ve learnt:
1) Christians love to tell you what God can do. But the word CAN is a million miles away from the word WILL.
2) The God of the Bible is not the God many churches preach. Yes he is love.. But he’s also a fearsome and holy God and a God who reserves the right to do whatever the heck he pleases without explanation. We are taught about a fluffy teddy bear who’s predictable and soft and friendly… But the God of my experience has been the God who’s in the Bible.. who on occasion will do wonderfully more than what you can imagine to show his love to you.. What’s on other occasions will permit or even orchestrate immeasurably more of a living hell than you can ever imagine.
3) When John sent word from the prison to ask Jesus to confirm if he was the true Messiah.. Jesus sent a wonderful reply describing how the sick were healed..etc etc.. But did you notice the deliberate omission? “.. dear John.. don’t worry.. I’m going to break you out of prison”.
That line was missing from Jesus’s response.. even though as we must assume, Jesus knew that a rusty axe blade awaited John’s neck.
4) We are loved.. .. But we are also considered lambs to the slaughter.
5) The tempting whisper.. that voice you hear that tells you that what you’re going through is no different than what People of other faiths go through.. and what people of no faith go through.
Conclusion: Christianity Jesus Christ God and the Bible is all a lot of codswallop. It’s literally just all in our heads. In real practise we’re just going through the very same life randomly both suffering and relishing (whichever whenever) Just the same as every other human being has who has walked the earth.. be they believers of nothing or believers of whatever.. It matters not. God isn’t there There is no meaning to any of it.
https://youtu.be/KuwNhed4ObU?si=RYW3N2JZh18qafl2
(First 2 minutes..)
Hi Christian. Sorry for the delay in reply – your message got stuck in the spam bin.
Thanks for getting in touch. I’m so sorry to hear about your marriage and how that affected so much else.
I’m glad that you see in me someone who doesn’t rush to platitudes, and I’m not going to do so here. I think the experience of suffering in some way is incredibly lonely, and when God doesn’t answer prayers (or seems to say yes and then it all goes wrong) it is devastating.
I also agree that Christians don’t get any exemption from suffering (John the Baptist being an apt example!) I guess where I might differ is to say even with all that, I still believe that God is good, that belief in eternity makes a difference, and that there is purpose in wrestling with God over suffering and having God with you through it. Doesn’t make the suffering okay, it just means that it’s better with God than without.
In any case, I just wanted to offer my sincere condolences for your struggles, and hope that these don’t have the last word. Best wishes.
Hello Tanya.
I never thought you would post my previous comments about people like RZ, and abuses within the church.
You implied on one of your blogs, these issues only go on with men ? Without commenting on that, if you want a Perfect church that won’t allow leaders in their church to be leaders while having these issues going on in their lives, then you should join the Jehovahs Witnesses.
What the Witnesses will NOT do is Ex-Communicate them if they are genuinely repentant. They are allowed to stay in their church, but NOT allowed any privileges, leaderships, or responsibilities within their church.
I believe that once people deviate from the early church model that Paul set up, these are the types of issues that will develop in churches.
Unfortunately Tanya, you cannot have it both way’s. Jehovahs Witnesses have some teachings that mainstream churches in general reject. Plus you wouldn’t get all the glory and recognition we human beings love to have by judging and putting others down to raise ourselves up.
Regarding the Jehovahs Witnesses, I am not one of them, and they have teachings which I don’t agree with, but if you really want to look up to men as being good examples in their churches, then it’s good to remember, No church is perfect.
Let God be the Judge.
Hi Tanya, found you via mutual friend Sheridan Voysey – what a wonderful page! Thanks for sharing your lived experience of ME and POTS; it validates those of us who also live with invisible illness.
My name is Steph Penny and I live with lupus (among other things). It’s changed my life, my faith, my understanding of God and suffering–plus, it’s prompted me to write a book about it! I think we’ve got to share our lived experience with others travelling a similar road, or else how do we survive? How do we remind ourselves we are not alone?
In my spare time I work as a psychologist (when I’m well enough) and I’m a lover of books, music, cats and chocolate.
I’ve just signed up for your blog and look forward to reading your ebook too.
Thank you Tanya!
Hi Steph – it’s so good to make contact with you! Sheridan Voysey is awesome, isn’t he? Do tell me about your book – that sounds good.
Tanya
Yes, Sheridan is awesome!
My book is called Surviving Chronic Illness: Grace in the Flames. It’s a quirky yet brutally honest look at my life with lupus. I talk frankly about ableism, mental distress, grief, faith (or lack thereof), what has helped keep me sane (including faith), and grace which ultimately is the only reason I’m still here. There’s a chapter for carers as well.
I want to thank you once again for your blog, I’ve been reading it and especially appreciated your latest one around the exhaustion of Lent. Thank you for continuing to share your living experience!
Hi Tanya
My wife and I are reading your daily devotionals in Upper Room “Disciplines.” We looked up your bio. We have several things in common that resonate with me – I have a serious illness too – idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis (IPF) and you have ME. Prognosis for me is 3 to 5 yrs. I’m coming up on one year in July…currently house, chair, and bed confined on continuous O2….
Me a prior runner of marathons (Boston 2 times) etc. The diagnosis was a real shock, to say the least. But my faith / my wife’s faith /our faith plus good palliative care has been a Godsent, so QOL is “good.” It has been difficult, but we have adjusted with a loving family around us.
I also see you are the Founder of Compassionate Britain. Are you familiar with the international Charter for Compassion? If not, I highly recommend you consider affirming the Charter at http://www.charterforcompassion.org and become a partner with the global community. One of its sectors of interest is Healthcare.
Perhaps we could communicate via email sometime and talk about the potentials for partnership in the future.
BTW, we are really enjoying your writings in Disciplines.
Thank you
Thanks so much for getting in touch. Really sorry to hear about your diagnosis – it is a thing to adjust to.
I was the Founder of Compassionate Britain, but that project is now over. It’s good to hear of the Charter for Compassion. I’m really glad to hear that you enjoyed my devotionals in Disciplines – I really appreciate hearing that. Best wishes.
Tanya, did you work for uccf coming in to Brunel uni? Or was that a different Tanya marlow?
All the best to you!