Urgh

(169/365) Urrghh....

 

Today I am feeling listless and restless. I am frustrated with myself because I should be really happy right now: I’ve just been on holiday, I’ve had loads of sunshine and good food and great chats with friends. I am emotionally replenished. I’m so blessed.

 

But for some reason, over the last couple of days, I have had that ‘urgh’ feeling of dissatisfaction. I know, I know – I’m perverse. I don’t have anything to moan about and I’m moaning.

 

I feel like the weather at the moment, still and sticky and annoying. (Can I blame pathetic fallacy for my mood, I wonder?)

 

I am annoyed, because I don’t feel blessed. I know I am blessed, but I feel a discontentment. Somehow, at the moment, nothing is ‘enough’. I have time to relax, brain energy to write – these things are a blessing, but I want more. I want more time to relax, more nice food, more sunshine, more time with friends.

 

And then I feel guilty, because I know that I have so much to be grateful for, and what am I doing being so self-obsessed? I have so much, and I have especially had so much to be thankful for in the past few weeks. I infuriate myself.

 

I try to conjure up thankfulness for various things. It fails.

 

Then I feel like because I have had more time recently, I ought (somehow) to be feeling more holy. I ought to be reading the Bible more, and getting more from it. I ought to be encouraging others – or something. Instead, Jon and I sit in the evenings, both in the same ‘urgh’ mood – for no reason.

 

And then a line comes to mind: ‘Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.’ (Eph 1:3)

 

And immediately I think, ‘Big deal! I don’t want spiritual blessings! I want more ice cream’. I want material blessings. I want more time and brain energy to see friends and to be able to go for a run, and a ticket to see the Olympics, and the ability to attend friends’ weddings, and most of all, everyone everywhere to like my blog and see how profound I am.

 

And as soon as I think that, I know that I don’t really want more material blessings, that they don’t satisfy. I could have more ice cream, but I don’t really want it. I’d just feel fat and slightly sullied by the quantity of sugar.

 

And I don’t really want more approval and popularity. I mean, I want it, but it’s junk food. I know if I get it I’ll just feel fat and slightly sullied, in much the same way.

 

I return to the verse again. He ‘has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.’ I say it slowly.

 

I don’t want Christ. And I really want Christ.



I want my soul nourished and my spirit to be fed, but I don’t know how to. My Bible reading is plagued by the same ennui and muggy, sticky urgh feeling I’m feeling. It feels like eating porridge – boring and stodgy.

 

I just read through the lines slowly again. ‘He chose us in Him…He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ…in Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins…the riches of God’s grace that He lavished upon us…’

 

In Him. Through Him.

 

And suddenly I get a sense of release. I am in Him. My perverse, sulky soul is hidden in Christ. Whether I like it or not, I am blessed. Whether I feel it or not, I am blessed. Whether I am grateful for it or not, I am blessed. That is just the way it is.

 

I don’t know why that brings me joy, but it does.

 

Over to you:

  • Am I the only one who is so ridiculously contradictory in my responses to God?
  • What are you most thankful of at the moment – God’s material blessings or the spiritual ones?

Linking up with Emily’s synchroblog on blessing (thanks for the inspiration, Emily), Joy in this Journey, New Life Steward.

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38 Responses to Urgh

  1. Shelly Miller 11th August, 2012 at 2:36 am #

    I’ve missed connecting with you on Friday’s, we’ve been away for awhile. Love your honesty and courage to share your heart. I imagine there isn’t one person who can’t relate to this. I know I do. Hope you are doing well.

    • Tanya 15th August, 2012 at 12:21 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by! Yes – I’ve missed you on Fridays too, though I think I had worked out you were away. I hope that you had a refreshing holiday. Look forward to catching up with your blog!

  2. Michy loving our journey 10th August, 2012 at 2:14 am #

    awesome…visiting after your sweet comment on my blog (which really opened up my perspective more…)
    This up/down loving life’s blessings, yet frusturation…well, I think it’s normal. My hubby is an emergency personnel guy, and I get frusturated when he’s out at late night trainings/meetings…yet, thank God he does what he does. It’s the balance of our feelings…we learn so much in this (somewhat hard) way sometimes. Really enjoyed this piece! Blessings!
    Michy
    Faithfully Parenting Fridays!

    • Tanya 10th August, 2012 at 9:37 am #

      Thanks so much for your encouragement – hope you get some resolution from the see-sawing of emotions!

  3. Mary Beth 9th August, 2012 at 9:49 pm #

    I have totally been at this place. So many times in your post, I related. Especially when you said, “I don’t want spiritual blessings, I want more ice cream”. I love how totally honest you are! We’ve all been there and we know it. Great conclusion. It’s all true whether we like it, feel it, or not.

    Thanks for linking up!
    PS I would love to work on holding each other accountable for writing. Shoot me an e-mail: newlifesteward @ gmail

    • Tanya 10th August, 2012 at 9:35 am #

      This was a kinda ‘stream of consciousness’ post, and as I pushed ‘publish’ I was a little worried that people would see all the crazy in my head! But I’m very comforted to know I’m not the only crazy and contradictory one out there… 🙂

      Thanks for the invite to email – will do x

  4. Anna Wood 9th August, 2012 at 5:20 pm #

    Hello! Like others have said this feeling is so much worse when you’ve had a lovely holiday, and then are back home and reality hits!

    I think everyone gets this feeling, but it is much more common if you are ill. The way I see it is that people in general need to feel challenged, to feel that that they are contributing to something or making their mark on the world in some way. Most people find a way to get this through work, study or hobbies, but when we are ill this is often taken away from us. You do a fab job of engaging people with your blog and with your tweets – you should be very proud of what you achieve. But somehow there is always that sense that you (I!) want to achieve more, to do something new, to challenge myself in a different way. But sadly there are limits with this illness, and finding a way to live within them, but to still have those challenges is a tricky balance to get.

    One other point – I often get that feeling when I’m tired – not the totally overwhelming exhaustion of ME, but the ‘I’ve done a bit too much and I’m not admitting to it’ type tiredness – the ‘I haven’t crashed yet’ stage. That might not be relevant to you but now I can recognise that and try to rest. I normally feel better, happier and more satisfied with life in general if I can rest at that point. Ofcourse resting is the last thing I want to do when I have that feeling – what I really want to do is achieve something and can end up really overdoing it in the process. Very Hard!

    • Tanya 10th August, 2012 at 9:30 am #

      Hey Anna – thanks for this!

      Yes – I think you’re right, that when you’re ill you are more frustrated than the average punter. Blogging and tweeting is very much for me a sense of contributing and doing something meaningful with my limited energy- you’re spot on there. (although I feel guilty writing that because I am a mother, which of course is a really valuable and meaningful contribution – just in a different way!)

      And YES! You’re bang right about the feeling when you’ve done too much but not admitting it yet, and you’re still mid-air in the jump, legs flailing, and not wanting to admit you’re on your way down. Yes – I also get that feeling if I’ve done a lot, just before the ‘oh, I’m actually quite tired now’ feeling – but I’d forgotten that. Thank you – that could definitely be part of it – I shall make an extra effort to rest.

      Thank you – much appreciated!

  5. Mandy 9th August, 2012 at 12:32 pm #

    Tanya, thanks so much for taking the time to stop by my blog and share your thoughts. As I was reading your post here, it kept coming to me that maybe your feelings of discontentment are coming from “harassment”, the devil. Spiritual warfare. When I start feeling the way you describe, it is often when God is working on something new and big in my life–or He has it right around the corner! It is so difficult to “take every thought captive”, identify lies I am believing, and replace them with God’s truth. I love how honest and raw you are here. It helps people to know what real life for Christ looks like. Blessings to you!

    • Tanya 10th August, 2012 at 9:23 am #

      Thanks Mandy for stopping by here. I dont know about spiritual warfare, but I certainly was really helped by just soaking in the truths of Ephesians 1. Sometimes Bible reading is a bit stodgy, but other times it just really seems to hit! Thank you so much for your encouraging words.

  6. Lucy Mills 9th August, 2012 at 9:05 am #

    No. You’re not the only one!

    • Tanya 9th August, 2012 at 9:21 am #

      It’s SUCH a glorious thing to not be alone in this – thank you for your encouragement!

  7. Kimberly 9th August, 2012 at 7:57 am #

    I can relate to so much of what you write here. I wish I fully understood the mystery of being hidden in Christ, but it’s one of the mysteries of faith that I must accept (gladly) and receive (with faith). Hope you are feeling less ‘urgh’ and more satisfied in Him:)

  8. imperfect prose 9th August, 2012 at 4:57 am #

    YES! love this tanya. also, love your analogies re: ice cream and porridge. so often i don’t want Jesus and all i want is him. that’s exactly it. well said.

    • Tanya 9th August, 2012 at 9:19 am #

      Thanks Emily – and your post really challenged my thinking and prompted all this splurge – thank you for setting the train of thought. It was really helpful to think about the nature of blessing. You are an inspiration!

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