On penguins and parenting

It had been about four months since our lives had been irreparably split open and we were on the sofa together, watching TV.

 

It had been four months since I gave birth, since the exertion of labour tipped my illness into ‘severe’, since the world outside had become closed to me; friendships paused, visits indefinitely delayed. It had been four months since Jon had started an extended compassionate leave, the meals faithfully turning up on our doorstep.

 

And now, here we were, cuddled up on the new sofa, the brown leather creaking but not yet cracked. The baby was miraculously asleep upstairs. We nestled into the luxury, and switched on the TV to switch off from our lives.

 

*****

David Attenborough’s disembodied voice presided over the bleakness of a polar landscape, and the camera panned slowly over a colony of thousands of Emperor Penguins.

 

“It is not the female but the male Emperor Penguins who hatch the eggs, enduring the long months of freezing winter.”

 

The men were raising the baby. We listened in: somewhere else on God’s created earth there was another couple where the traditional roles were reversed. (Even if they were penguins). God created male penguins to hatch the chicks. And it shouldn’t matter, it shouldn’t make any difference, but I found myself already cheering for those penguins who did things differently.

 

“The babies are hatched now so they will keep the chicks warm until the females return with food.”

 

The male penguins were shuffling slowly, preserving their energy for the sake of the child.

 

We had been shuffling. There are times when that is all you can do, when life is an arctic wind so cold it steals your breath and punches you and makes your bones ache, while everyone else is off sailing in the Mediterranean. You merely transfer your weight from one foot to the other, concentrating on staying alive, huddling wherever warmth can be found, praying that help comes in time.

 

*****

“And at last the females return, sleek and fat from feeding all winter.”

 

I watched the female penguins and despised them for their comfort, for their laziness… I stopped myself. Their laziness? That wasn’t a word that had come out of David Attenborough’s mouth but my own heart.

 

I had been lying in bed for months now, staring at the beige walls while Jon ran round and grew pale. He had been the one to pick up the baby whenever he cried, teaching me how to hold him and change him and bathe him.

 

It should have been the other way round – at least, that’s what story after story of the harassed mummy friends and joking midwives presumed. We cover up our resentment of sexism in the workplace by telling ours in the home: the man is always the good-for-nothing incompetent who wouldn’t be able to survive one week at home without the wife. Cue knowing winks and hollow laughs and nudges, and a gritting of the teeth and getting on with it all. Useless men. Now I was hearing that narrative told back to me – I was the useless one.

 

“They are a team,” David Attenborough was saying, and I blinked back the guilty tears. Of course they were, of course they are – you make it work, you play to your strengths without resentment, you both love and protect your child. You deal with the long winters in the way you know best.

 

Love is not a competition, it is a mutual surrender of rights and privilege. Love is not a record-keeping of wrongs; it is a covering-over of one another; bearing, believing, hoping.

 

*****

The females were arriving with the food at long last, essential for the chick’s survival.

 

I was getting better, slowly, hopefully: I could walk a few more paces than last week, I was panting less when I stood up, and I was still feeding him – the one thing I could do whilst lying down. Maybe the time was coming when I could relieve some of the burden, help Jon more, staunch the flow of guilt.

 

“After their long time apart, the male and female penguins reunite.”

 

They seemed to be nuzzling. ‘Can penguins kiss?’ I wondered.

 

There were no words (because they are penguins, I reminded myself) but David Attenborough was explaining that now the chick would be transferred to the female so she could feed it while the male went off to hunt. He must have been pretty hungry by now, what with all that shuffling and enduring. It had been hard, but the end was now in sight.
 

The male opened up his pouch, and we saw a glimpse of the tiny chick, all-squeaking and blinking as it saw its mother for the first time.
 

“It is imperative the transfer is made as speedily as possible. The ambient temperature is so cold that the chick is in danger of freezing to death if it is exposed for more than a few seconds.”
 

The mother penguin was approaching, her pouch open – but as she moved forwards, the male was moving back, away from her. It was so cold – why this delay? Then the mother approached again, their bodies brushing, and the chick cheeped helplessly as it was finally transferred to its mother’s pouch.
 

David Attenborough’s explanation was tenderly whispered: “After so long with the chick, it seems it is hard for the father to let go.”
 

The penguin loved his chick. Oh, how he loved him – and I loved him for it. And in that instant I was overwhelmed by the power of love; love that can surprise you in the middle of a white bleakness, love that says I do and then just does, love that endures when everything else has passed away.
 

I wiped off the hot tears in silence as they trickled down my cheek and looked sideways at Jon and he was crying, too. We held hands and watched the penguins as we wept.

 

Over to you:

  • When were you last unexpectedly overwhelmed by love?
  •  

    Small confession: I was lovingly preparing this as a draft for something else – and pressed publish by mistake. Oopsies. If you enjoy it, I’d love it if you could share it far and wide!
     

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    39 Responses to On penguins and parenting

    1. Shannon Bradley-Colleary 9th March, 2014 at 2:13 am #

      Such a lovely story and so relatable for so many mommies. Thank you.
      Shannon Bradley-Colleary recently posted…Which is Better? “Normal Barbie” or “Real-Life Barbie?”My Profile

      • Tanya 20th March, 2014 at 7:37 pm #

        Thanks so much for coming by and reading this piece – it is one of my very favourites.

    2. daniel 18th January, 2014 at 7:18 am #

      I specifically asked God for some encouragement today as it relates to being a father. He lead me to your website and the article about penguins and parenting. It was very encouraging. Thank you and many blessings to you, Daniel Beal

      • Tanya 6th February, 2014 at 12:12 pm #

        Hurray! I’m so glad God led you here today to this page, and that you found encouragement there. Thank you for letting me know.

    3. Nick 27th March, 2013 at 9:29 pm #

      Tanya, you’re right, I did enjoy this.
      Thanks for another beautifully written piece. Yes, of course I am biased on the content :)
      You say we play to our strengths – well, Anna’s not very good at doing nothing and I’m not very good at doing anything, so our setup works pretty well ;)
      But seriously, it can be tough doing what we do. Perhaps part of the difficulty from my point of view is that there’s no reason for me not working – whereas Jon does the ‘working’ bit as the man, and the childcare stuff as the loving husband meeting the needs of the family, I’m just the lazy bandit who hangs around at home while my wife works her guts out. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not my interpretation (not least because I know that the childcare bit is no breeze!), but I know that there are some people who think that the earning bit is the job of the man and the childcare bit is the job of the woman and that this is a non-negotioable. And there’s an extent to which I agree with this, but equally, I think that there are times when the ministry or calling means that these roles will be reversed. Our family is engaged in a ministry/lifestyle through which we aim to serve God and young people. I feel like my contribution, while not conventional, is a valid ministry both to my family and to the people who we are called to serve. As it happens, Anna currently earns the money, but maybe our next life stage will be the other way around (but God’s not let on yet!)
      And I’m sorry for sounding defensive, if I do. But it comes, perhaps, with feeling like I have to explain/’justify’ our choice (OUR choice, not my choice!) when people discover what it is I do (or, in their minds, don’t do…)
      So thanks for the penguins. And thanks for helping me to learn from them.
      Nick recently posted…words, words, words, words, Word.My Profile

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:47 am #

        Thanks, Nick!

        And wow – stereotypes and expectations are so crippling, aren’t they?

        I’m really surprised that you described your family role in such negative terms. It had never occurred to me to see it that way. I was seeing ‘heroic’ and ‘sacrifice’ and ‘team’ – the label of ‘lazy bandit’?! would just never have occurred to me. I hope that others’ expectations don’t end up clouding your own self-perception. I know how easy that is to do.

        The best families I like are those where they work as a team, however that looks like for them. I think you and Anna are doing an amazing ministry together – with young people, your kids, your colleagues, your community, your writing – and just parcelling out the roles as works best for each situation. Sounds sensible – and freeing – to me.

        You guys are awesome. :-)

    4. Cat 27th March, 2013 at 9:29 am #

      Great post Tanya!! Nearly made me cry at the end. I always liked how the daddy penguins looked after the egg and it was the mum who went out to get food :)
      Cat recently posted…Black Mirror: Life, Death and ResurrectionMy Profile

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:40 am #

        Thanks, lovely lady!

    5. Kimberly 26th March, 2013 at 12:49 pm #

      “Love is a covering over of one another”–this line especially spoke to me, as so often I find myself wanting to expose weaknesses rather than cover them over and live in the strengths. I love this window into your marriage, your suffering, and your triumphs. Beautiful.
      Kimberly recently posted…How we mark our daysMy Profile

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:40 am #

        Thank you – it’s lovely to know which bits spoke to people. I can totally relate – so often I want to expose rather than cover-over.

    6. Joy Lenton 26th March, 2013 at 12:46 pm #

      Tanya, I have come late to this and can only confirm the words of wonder, awe and praise that have been spoken here already. God is so amazing. The love you and Jon share is truly awesome. Burden bearing and carrying are a mutual thing in marriage. I, too, have lamented my perceived failure to pick up the slack and be able to ‘do’ for my family as a mother should. It took me a long time to accept that I had worth and value in simply ‘being’ there. My beloved provides the physical strength and I (as far as possible) the emotional. We do life as a team and each one’s contribution is valued.
      You write so beautifully and movingly here. Keep exercising your gift, sweet friend, for in being yourself you are blessing many. Love and blessings to you :) xx
      Joy Lenton recently posted…One DayMy Profile

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:39 am #

        Thank you so much for your heart-felt words of encouragement. I love how you describe the team in your marriage!

    7. Mia 26th March, 2013 at 12:27 pm #

      Dear Tanya
      This is my favorite of all your posts I have read so far. Yes, dear one, our husbands are quite a gift straight from God. I often feel so sorry for the Fm/ME sufferers who’s hubbies do not understand this invisible foe we battle every day.
      Blessings to you
      Mia
      Mia recently posted…Spitting in The Face of GodMy Profile

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:38 am #

        Thank you! It is definitely one of my favourites.

    8. Stephen Hockley 26th March, 2013 at 2:16 am #

      Wow, you are incredibly good at writing! It helped me to understand what love is.

      Last time I was unexpectedly overwhelmed by love was when I was fundraising for the gap year, the amount of extremely heated arguments between me and my father (edit: the world) was… admirable. I was…am particularly worried about my dads weight, and suddenly instead of another confrontation, I don’t know how it happened but all three of us are standing around hugging each other and apologising, and saying it will all be okay. It was an incredibly surreal moment. This is the very first time I’ve thought about it actually…

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:37 am #

        Thanks, Stephen!
        Much of this for me was a meditation on 1 Cor 13, from the Bible. It is a beautiful chapter. If you REALLY want to know about love, look to Jesus. Every time. Seriously. :-) (see my little preachy bit I slipped in there??)

        Great to hear your story too. Families are both infuriating and unexpectedly wonderful. I love that picture of you and your family.

    9. Diana Trautwein 25th March, 2013 at 11:25 pm #

      Beautiful, Tanya. Just lovely. Thank you.
      Diana Trautwein recently posted…Lenten Meditation — Week FiveMy Profile

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:35 am #

        Thank you, Diana.

    10. ed cyzewski 25th March, 2013 at 9:38 pm #

      Fantastic post. I’m often surprised at the emotions that rise up within me because of our child.
      ed cyzewski recently posted…How Do We Follow the Bible Without Picking and Choosing?My Profile

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:34 am #

        Thanks so much, Ed! I really appreciate you reading it.

        I have been surprised by the emotion Jon shows when he speaks of our boy. It just leaks out, doesn’t it?

    11. kingfisher 25th March, 2013 at 9:24 pm #

      Oh, Tanya, how sorry I am that you have to hurt so much! And yet, you are allowing God to use your time of pain to bring forth honesty and beauty. God bless you and Jon and your child. You are indeed a wealthy family, to be so filled with God’s love.

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:30 am #

        Thank you! And yes, we are wealthy – in so many ways.

    12. Janice 25th March, 2013 at 5:11 pm #

      This is so beautiful. So beautiful. (Selfishly, I’m so glad you pushed publish so I could read it this morning!) It made me all teary eyed.

      I can’t formulate why, but there’s something lo compelling about the depth of the love and the harshness of the environment and the depth of sacrifice. So moving.
      Janice recently posted…Five Minute Friday – um, Saturday – AgainMy Profile

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:29 am #

        THANK YOU. Xxx

    13. Pat 25th March, 2013 at 2:52 pm #

      Beautiful! Thanks for sharing Tanya. I watched the show about penguins a few years back. Amazing!

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:29 am #

        It was an awesome show, wasn’t it?

    14. Mark Allman 25th March, 2013 at 2:29 pm #

      Your words here “you make it work, you play to your strengths without resentment, you both love and protect your child. You deal with the long winters in the way you know best. Love is not a competition, it is a mutual surrender of rights and privilege. Love is not a record-keeping of wrongs; it is a covering-over of one another; bearing, believing, hoping.” are a beautiful description of love. You should feel no guilt Tanya; I am sure Jon felt it a privilege no matter how hard it was to love you in the way you needed it at the time. That is when love manifests itself the most beautiful to me… when we love those we love when it is hard to do so; when they may not be able to repay in kind as if that was something you even thought about. To love them through the hard; the pain; when they are not their best; even when they may be a bitch for that’s when our love ones need love the most. We should count it a privilege that we are in a position to love them through it all. Love is easy when the sun in shinning and clouds dot the sky and Love is never so beautiful as it is when we love when the clouds are dark and the storms are raging all around.

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:29 am #

        Lovely words in your comment, Mark. You’re right, it is in the ‘for worse’ rather than the ‘for better’ that love really shows itself the most beautiful. Thank you.

    15. Joanna 25th March, 2013 at 1:59 pm #

      ‘Love is not a competition, it is a mutual surrender of rights and privilege.’ This is all so beautiful, Tanya. Thank you
      Joanna recently posted…Frog daysMy Profile

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:27 am #

        Thank you so much, Joanna.

    16. Jo Inglis 25th March, 2013 at 1:06 pm #

      Simply beautiful & EXACTLY what I meant in my tweet yesterday about God speaking in the spaces between the words.
      Listening to Phatfish’s O God of love (how good it is to be loved by You), the Anthems version while reading – I’m undone by it all, holy stuff :’-)
      Jo Inglis recently posted…#lentphotos – 36 – a necessityMy Profile

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:27 am #

        Thanks so much for those words – I loved what you said about God speaking in the spaces. I like it when he sneaks in sideways. This, for me, was a meditation on 1 Cor 13. I love that you were listening to Phatfish’s ‘how good it is to be loved by you’.

    17. Jillie 25th March, 2013 at 12:51 pm #

      Tanya…This is beautifully written. The bottom line is that you both dearly love your son, and all sexist stereotypes aside, you both do all you can to love and nurture him well. That’s all that matters.
      I know of a family situation right now, much like your own. It involves my own son and his dear wife. And the new baby in their family after 12 years of marriage. Both of them doing all they can to welcome, bond, and care for this precious little one. It is beautiful to behold! Both working together. What family is all about.

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:26 am #

        Stereotypes can be so stifling, can’t they? I love it when families are allowed to be themselves – the one you describe sounds an exciting one.

    18. Alice 25th March, 2013 at 12:06 pm #

      Blimey, this shows the beauty in the midst of bleakness so well. I’m grateful for a penguinish husband. xxx
      Alice recently posted…Galatians for you (yep, YOU!)My Profile

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:24 am #

        Hurrah for penguin husbands!
        Thanks, girl. X

    19. Shona 25th March, 2013 at 11:34 am #

      Tanya you write so beautifully and vulnerably and I appreciate it. One of my children had ME for three years from the age of 7. She is just about recovered now. One of my other children developed a chronic pain condition 6 mths into that period, so we’ve definitely experienced the Arctic and seen others ( literally and metaphorically) sail in the Med! Thanks for this today. Your contribution to team Marlow is not about getting out of bed and doing things. It’s so much more than that.

      • Tanya 31st March, 2013 at 11:23 am #

        Thanks so much Shona – and I’m so glad your daughter is just about recovered from M.E. now. It must be so hard to see your children go through that.

        And yes, you’re right, about how I measure my contribution, about how we measure our contributions in life. It’s about so much more than doing.

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