“Can you please tell me how to get in touch with my local ME specialist? I know the files were being transferred to a new system last year, but I was meant to see him last March, and haven’t heard anything and…”
I stop before the emotion catches up with me: pause, concentrate on my breathing, the rest of the words, unsaid, flowing through my mind.
That I can’t breathe properly when I try and walk, that again my heart is again being peculiar, that again I am needing to be almost completely bedbound, that again I feel helpless and abandoned by the medical profession.
It is becoming a familiar pattern, around January-March each year. I was hoping it might be different this year. You tell yourself – maybe the Vitamin D tablets I’ve been taking, they might be the thing that will avoid the relapse this year. I’m doing better this year, maybe I’ll escape it. Maybe it’s a temporary blip rather than a major crash.
“Um…” Her voice sounds hesitant and apologetic. “I’m really sorry about this. We’ve lost your notes. The only way to access your specialist is to start over again and re-register as a new patient. You’ll have to ask your GP to fill in the forms and send off for the blood tests.”
I hold the phone, trying to process this information.
“But I’ve been in the system for 7 years. I’ve been waiting for a follow-up appointment for 18 months. I’ve been waiting for you to get in touch with me… I haven’t seen my specialist for 18 months.”
“I’m very sorry,” she repeats.
******
There is a familiarity and a weariness about the ‘again’s that make up so much of life. The early morning commute or the middle-of-the-night wakings or the pain of family arguments – these things are a part of the everyday.
******
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning. (Lam 3:23, paraphrased).
I cling to the words; the love that endures, the mercies that flow again and again.
In case you missed my latest updates on my health they are here and here.
This was my best five minutes on ‘again’.
Over to you:
- What are your ‘agains’ at the moment? In which areas of life are you reaching for God’s mercy?
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And Once Again,
I look
Upon the cross
where You died,
I’m humbled by your mercy and I’m
broken
inside.
Tanya, I hope that doesn’t sound twee/sanctimonious/self-righteous, etc.
Nor is it true that if we just focus on His cross our problems stop (2 Corinthians 11 would be shorter, for starters!)
But there is hope in our brokenness because of His brokenness.
And it’s got the word ‘again’ in it, which made me think of it 🙂
Love to you all.
Hey – I’m glad you rest this post – I was thinking about you and your many ‘agains’ of sleepless nights.
This once again song made me think of another once again song –
Here I am, once again
I pour out my heart for I know that you hear every cry
You are listening
No matter what shape my heart is in… Etc
Do you know it? It’s a good’un?
ME specialist … What about Tanya Marlow?
God…. A special soul she is
ME specialist…. how will she deal with me losing her records
God… Oh She will want to kick your butt with her new boots but
ME specialist….. But what
God…. She won’t… She is classy and she will just cling
ME specialist….. Cling?
God….. Yes cling… to me… for I will see her through… with steadfast love that never ceases but may be hard to feel…. steadfast trust that I am with her always… even in the darkness… where she can not see me ….. I am there…. for she knows its true and she honors me with that faith… Yes she does
Reading this felt like a hug and a mug of hot chocolate. Thank you.